So, the first morning after breakfast, I am in charge to peel vegetables. Till then, it's all right, I already know as I had before the opportunity to do karma yoga in other courses. Then, I am asked to take care of the flowerbeds : turn over the earth, take out the weeds, cut the faded flowers, put some stakes to the dahlias, and this without a break till midday. Doing this job the whole morning… I find time is passing slowly. I feel irritated, my mind is functioning very fast, my face is getting tense and my features getting tough. "Had I known, I would not have come", " What a funny idea to have come here…", "Why can't I stay still ???" These are examples of my inner chattering.
After yoga nidra and tea, another two hours of karma yoga !!! Inner pressure increases a lot ! The things I was asked to do, I let them at home by lack of time or poor interest. At that moment, I think that I am betraying my home. My inner conflict seems to be great !
Then, Atmabindu came and asked me how things are going on. I don't know if she saw that thoughts were running fast in my head. I told her about my moods in a very simple way. She listened carefully and she understood. She replied that it is quite normal. She explained that precisely, we have to take advantage of karma yoga to observe what is going on within ourselves and outside in the performance of action. After that, my inner weight became lighter. Somewhere in me, I was able to accept the situation and let go. Then, I realised that I probably have something to learn or to understand from this experience during these five days. From this time, a certain joy came back in life. However, other types of ideas have come afterwards, such as judgement, impatience, loneliness, dependence, boredom, isolation, sometimes looking at my watch, feeling that time is not passing…
During the following days, I noticed that I became quieter in my way of doing things, my movements were slower, more conscious. I was not trying to prove or to show anything. I felt myself detached from the result, naturally accomplishing what was expected from me with, I would say, a certain pleasure. |
